I think God has been trying to get something through to me.
It's in books I'm reading, sermons I'm hearing, video ads I'm viewing, conversations I'm having, counsel I am receiving. I am beginning to get the message, I think, although it has a ways to go to sink down from head to heart. I'm not even certain of all the implications. But I think God is telling me I'm looking at myself the wrong way.
I'm not a sinner, in need of God's mercy and grace. I'm a sinner, already saved by grace.
The distinction is subtle, but critical. The first perspective puts the burden on me, the sinner, to come to God, to repent, to ask for what I need. The second viewpoint puts the emphasis on God, on what He has already done, and not just for me, but for all sinners who have put their trust in Him. It's not even something that "I just need to embrace," as I wanted to write just now. It's already embracing me. If there is anything I need to do, it's just to be thankful.
As Brennan Manning says in The Ragamuffin Gospel:
The saved sinner is prostrate in adoration, lost in wonder and praise. He knows repentance is not what we do in order to earn forgiveness; it is what we do because we have been forgiven. It serves as an expression of gratitude rather than an effort to earn forgiveness. Thus the sequence of forgiveness and then repentance, rather than repentance and then forgiveness, is crucial for understanding the gospel of grace.
Growing up in a tradition that didn't emphasize regular repentance, there was something about weekly confession in the liturgical service that appealed to me, that felt right and good. I'd like to say that it was an expression of gratitude, as Manning says, but in hindsight, I'm thinking it appealed more to the "good girl" in me, looking for ways to please God and earn his approval...and my own.
I'm not sure what it is in me that thinks I must earn what I could just have...or thinks I need to judge whether I deserve it or not. But it's been a revelation to discover that in fact, that's what I've been doing...when I could just delight in what is already mine.
For those who feel their lives are a grave disappointment to God, it requires enormous trust and reckless, raging confidence to accept that the love of Christ knows no shadow of alteration or change. (Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel)
More pleasing to Me than all your prayers, works and penances is that you would believe I love you. ~Jesus' words to Marjory Kempe in 1667 (quoted by Manning, TRG)
Preoccupation with self is always a major component of unhealthy guilt and recrimination. It stirs our emotions, churning in self-destructive ways, closes us in upon the mighty citadel of self, leads to depression and despair, and preempts the presence of a compassionate God. The language of unhealthy guilt is harsh. It is demanding, abusing, criticizing, rejecting, accusing, blaming, condemning, reproaching, and scolding. It is one of impatience and chastisement. Christians are shocked and horrified because they have failed. (Manning, TRG)
That's me...so upset with myself because I fail on a daily basis. I fail to be the wife, the mother, the daughter, the neighbor, the pastor's wife, the parent, the teacher I feel I could and should be. And how else am I going to be any better, I think, if I don't reproach and scold myself about the ways I fall short?
Turns out there is a way of grace and freedom that I'm only beginning to glimpse.
The moment the focus of your life shifts from your badness to his goodness and the question becomes not "What have I done?" but "What can he do?" release from remorse can happen; miracle of miracles, you can forgive yourself because you have been forgiven, accept yourself because you are accepted, and begin to start building up the very places you once tore down. There is grace to help in every time of trouble. That grace is the secret to being able to forgive ourselves. Trust it. ~John R Claypool (quoted by Manning, TRG)
I think that's where I'll leave it. I'm not very far down this road yet. I'm only just beginning to heal, to build up a layer or two in those places I've been tearing down for so long. And I'm grateful, in a way I haven't quite experienced before.
Thank you, Lord.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
B6, Man of (Suddenly) Many Words
My little boy is doing better.
The tears diminished pretty quickly, first at school, then at home. The cross I sent with him helped. (Thanks for that suggestion, dear reader!) First it was on a leather string around his neck; then, after the cheap metal loop pulled apart twice, we put it in his pocket. Then one morning, he didn't know where it was. He was sure it had made it home, but after that, he couldn't remember. But he's been okay, getting on the bus without it these last few mornings.
But oh, the questions! What heartbreakers!
Why do kids have to go to school?
Why does it have to be so long?
Why do you have to go to school right when you get up, and then when you get home, it's such a short time until you have to go to bed?
When you were little, did you miss your mom when you were at school?
Do you miss me while I'm at school?
Does it seem to you like I'm gone for a long time when I'm at school?
Why doesn't B12 have to go to school?
When you were in first grade, what was it like on your first day of school?
He's been asking lots of "When you were little, Mom" questions--the first child of mine that really showed great interest in my history! However, I think what's behind it is a desire for me to relate to what he is going through.
What's so interesting to me about this flood of questions is that B6, up until now, hasn't really been much of a talker. In fact, when he was younger, we wondered if he was going to have some speech issues because it was slow in coming, and he occasionally stutters a bit. Mainly he's just been a young man of action, not words--rough and tumble and energetic and vigorous in all he does. He's the kid with the engine!
Suddenly he's talking all the time--about his feelings, his questions, and his thoughts, random though they might be. "You know, Mom, fences are a really good idea. [Why, B6?] Because if a robber came, and he had a flamethrower, and you saw him, then he could set the fence on fire instead of your house."
Yesterday he told me and B16 about something that happened at a friend's house, and he said the mom was demonstrating how to use something. B16 looked at me with a wide grin and said, "Hey, he just said 'demonstrating'!" I know some 3-year-olds use words like that every day, but that was a silver-dollar word for our B6!
So this emotional thing he's going through has suddenly turned him into a talker and a question-asker, overnight. It seems to be his way of processing. He hasn't been talking about school, really--mostly about his feelings or asking about mine. Until the other night, when I was trying to get him to bed early and laid down next to him in the bed, in the dark. It was just him and me; Chicklet was staying up to practice piano. He asked questions about my experiences in first grade; then he started telling me about his--about getting in trouble for running into someone and knocking them down [typical B6!], about other kids who did really bad things, like kick and pinch, and how one of them kicked him, and what the teacher did, and how those two kids don't always come to school.
The most amusing thing he shared was about two other kids that he clearly respected greatly. "They already know everything, Mom. They were in first grade last year already!" He went on and on, talking and asking questions. Looking deep into my eyes, he asked, "When you were in first grade, did you wear glasses?" I took a lot of time with him, patiently listening and answering his questions, and still he didn't run out of words. I finally had to cut him off when Chicklet appeared in the doorway, sobbing, over-tired and frustrated with her piano pieces. He was still talking as I kissed him goodnight and told him to go to sleep.
I'm so glad he's talking to me. I'm glad he's processing his feelings; it seems pretty healthy, that he's getting it all out. And it's been delightful to finally get a glimpse inside that tough little blond head. There's a lot more deep stuff going on in there than I would have guessed!
The tears diminished pretty quickly, first at school, then at home. The cross I sent with him helped. (Thanks for that suggestion, dear reader!) First it was on a leather string around his neck; then, after the cheap metal loop pulled apart twice, we put it in his pocket. Then one morning, he didn't know where it was. He was sure it had made it home, but after that, he couldn't remember. But he's been okay, getting on the bus without it these last few mornings.
But oh, the questions! What heartbreakers!
Why do kids have to go to school?
Why does it have to be so long?
Why do you have to go to school right when you get up, and then when you get home, it's such a short time until you have to go to bed?
When you were little, did you miss your mom when you were at school?
Do you miss me while I'm at school?
Does it seem to you like I'm gone for a long time when I'm at school?
Why doesn't B12 have to go to school?
When you were in first grade, what was it like on your first day of school?
He's been asking lots of "When you were little, Mom" questions--the first child of mine that really showed great interest in my history! However, I think what's behind it is a desire for me to relate to what he is going through.
What's so interesting to me about this flood of questions is that B6, up until now, hasn't really been much of a talker. In fact, when he was younger, we wondered if he was going to have some speech issues because it was slow in coming, and he occasionally stutters a bit. Mainly he's just been a young man of action, not words--rough and tumble and energetic and vigorous in all he does. He's the kid with the engine!
Suddenly he's talking all the time--about his feelings, his questions, and his thoughts, random though they might be. "You know, Mom, fences are a really good idea. [Why, B6?] Because if a robber came, and he had a flamethrower, and you saw him, then he could set the fence on fire instead of your house."
Yesterday he told me and B16 about something that happened at a friend's house, and he said the mom was demonstrating how to use something. B16 looked at me with a wide grin and said, "Hey, he just said 'demonstrating'!" I know some 3-year-olds use words like that every day, but that was a silver-dollar word for our B6!
So this emotional thing he's going through has suddenly turned him into a talker and a question-asker, overnight. It seems to be his way of processing. He hasn't been talking about school, really--mostly about his feelings or asking about mine. Until the other night, when I was trying to get him to bed early and laid down next to him in the bed, in the dark. It was just him and me; Chicklet was staying up to practice piano. He asked questions about my experiences in first grade; then he started telling me about his--about getting in trouble for running into someone and knocking them down [typical B6!], about other kids who did really bad things, like kick and pinch, and how one of them kicked him, and what the teacher did, and how those two kids don't always come to school.
The most amusing thing he shared was about two other kids that he clearly respected greatly. "They already know everything, Mom. They were in first grade last year already!" He went on and on, talking and asking questions. Looking deep into my eyes, he asked, "When you were in first grade, did you wear glasses?" I took a lot of time with him, patiently listening and answering his questions, and still he didn't run out of words. I finally had to cut him off when Chicklet appeared in the doorway, sobbing, over-tired and frustrated with her piano pieces. He was still talking as I kissed him goodnight and told him to go to sleep.
I'm so glad he's talking to me. I'm glad he's processing his feelings; it seems pretty healthy, that he's getting it all out. And it's been delightful to finally get a glimpse inside that tough little blond head. There's a lot more deep stuff going on in there than I would have guessed!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Light of Christ Update
It's been awhile, hasn't it?
I thank my God every time I remember you.
In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy
because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now.
Philippians 1:3-5
Philippians 1:3-5
This is how I feel about Light of Christ! How thankful I am for the committed partnership of so many good folks at our church. We have been so blessed, from the beginning right up till now.
And in the past six months, God has sent us more good people! About eight new regulars--all singles and couples with no kids, which helps to skew our demographic a bit more in the adult direction, although we are still may be more than 50% kids. We also enjoy our random visitors, plus a few folks who just occasionally show up yet again.
If all the regulars, semi-regulars and visitors all end up at church on the same day, it's starting to feel a bit full in our regular meeting space, the Kemper Chapel. So one of our new developments is a committee (appointed by the vestry--ah, so thankful for a vestry to oversee these things!) to look at our space needs and begin to nose around Kenosha for other possible spaces for us to worship in. It's my personal hope that we can find space that we can rent full-time, rather than just on Sunday mornings, so that we can have weekly activities and meetings at the church facility, leave our sound system up during the week for music rehearsals, and have a sign out front, so that we become more of a geographical presence in the community. (There are plenty of other things on my wishlist, too!)
Another exciting thing is that two of our new members are actually old friends! We all used to attend our old church, Church of the Resurrection, together, and they were actively involved in leadership there right up to the day they moved to Kenosha. (Actually, they were still phasing out even after they moved.) We are so excited by the gifts, talents, leadership and friendship they bring. It's so good to have them here.
The husband has immense experience doing sound, and this past Sunday, he set up and ran our soundboard like it needs to be run! We've been setting levels and hoping for the best, with mixed results; sometimes the congregation can hear the singers/guitar/piano, sometimes they can't. I have been singing with the worship team a couple times a month, and it was great this morning to have the sound in such good hands. What a difference!
On a sad note, we are probably losing one family, but it's to a great job opportunity and a chance for them to move to an area where they can do more urban ministry, which is on their hearts. So we are happy for them, but they certainly will be missed.
For the fall, we've added our Sunday School hour back in, and we have a class for every age group this time. Last season we didn't have an adult class because we were too "short-staffed" just covering the kids' classes. I am so grateful for all of our Sunday School teachers, and I'm eager to attend the adult class. (I've been in music rehearsals for the past two weeks, which we have to hold at the same time.)
We have a neat church tradition of gathering for a meal and a talent show 2-3 times a year, and I am coordinating our next one, in early November. It's a great chance for our kids to play a piano piece, sing a song, or perform with a group--we have two budding "bands" already! It's also fun for the adults to prepare something (to show the kids how it's done). We've had recitations, original poetry, readings, solos, duets and ensembles. Usually we end with a "dance." This involves fun music and whatever moves you got. For the kids, it means spinning around in crazed circles until we put on the Hokey Pokey or the Cha Cha Slide and attempt some structure. But it's always a fun time, and I am looking forward to it!
On a sad note, we are probably losing one family, but it's to a great job opportunity and a chance for them to move to an area where they can do more urban ministry, which is on their hearts. So we are happy for them, but they certainly will be missed.
For the fall, we've added our Sunday School hour back in, and we have a class for every age group this time. Last season we didn't have an adult class because we were too "short-staffed" just covering the kids' classes. I am so grateful for all of our Sunday School teachers, and I'm eager to attend the adult class. (I've been in music rehearsals for the past two weeks, which we have to hold at the same time.)
We have a neat church tradition of gathering for a meal and a talent show 2-3 times a year, and I am coordinating our next one, in early November. It's a great chance for our kids to play a piano piece, sing a song, or perform with a group--we have two budding "bands" already! It's also fun for the adults to prepare something (to show the kids how it's done). We've had recitations, original poetry, readings, solos, duets and ensembles. Usually we end with a "dance." This involves fun music and whatever moves you got. For the kids, it means spinning around in crazed circles until we put on the Hokey Pokey or the Cha Cha Slide and attempt some structure. But it's always a fun time, and I am looking forward to it!
We are also holding Newcomer's/Membership lunches/classes on several Sundays in October. I am looking forward to getting to know some of our newer folks at these.
Oh, and a big thank you to those who regularly keep us in prayer! In my sidebar, I've asked for prayer for a guitarist and a drummer for our worship team. Well, the new member mentioned above, who does sound, is also a percussionist. In our current location, we don't have room for a drum kit, really, but he loves the hand drums, so--perfect! And for guitarists, we have three beginners--one dad, one 12-year-old, and my son B16--who are all coming along so well that we have been letting them plug in, and they are doing great. In the meantime, they've been playing unplugged with Father Rand, from Rez, who plays guitar for us once a month, and with Papa Rooster's brother from Chicago, who has started driving up more regularly to help us out. And now that his wife's job at Oprah ended, she and our niece are making the trip more often too. It's been so great having them! (Hmmm, I didn't count them in my new "regulars" count...they just may skew us over the 50% line....)
In other news, Light of Christ was featured this summer in a wonderful article in the Anglican Mission's glossy magazine, with Papa Rooster's photos of some of our special needs children. The writer interviewed several parents, who shared how included and accepted their children were, from their very first Sunday. I wish it was online! It was so good.
In searching for it, I found another article indirectly about our church that is online. Check out this brief piece about the Redemption card game that one of our dads has gotten all the 12-year-old boys hooked on!
So many praises, so many blessings!
Lord, thank you for each man, woman and child at Light of Christ. Each one brings something special to our midst. You've been so good to us. Thank you for this church.
Oh, and a big thank you to those who regularly keep us in prayer! In my sidebar, I've asked for prayer for a guitarist and a drummer for our worship team. Well, the new member mentioned above, who does sound, is also a percussionist. In our current location, we don't have room for a drum kit, really, but he loves the hand drums, so--perfect! And for guitarists, we have three beginners--one dad, one 12-year-old, and my son B16--who are all coming along so well that we have been letting them plug in, and they are doing great. In the meantime, they've been playing unplugged with Father Rand, from Rez, who plays guitar for us once a month, and with Papa Rooster's brother from Chicago, who has started driving up more regularly to help us out. And now that his wife's job at Oprah ended, she and our niece are making the trip more often too. It's been so great having them! (Hmmm, I didn't count them in my new "regulars" count...they just may skew us over the 50% line....)
In other news, Light of Christ was featured this summer in a wonderful article in the Anglican Mission's glossy magazine, with Papa Rooster's photos of some of our special needs children. The writer interviewed several parents, who shared how included and accepted their children were, from their very first Sunday. I wish it was online! It was so good.
In searching for it, I found another article indirectly about our church that is online. Check out this brief piece about the Redemption card game that one of our dads has gotten all the 12-year-old boys hooked on!
So many praises, so many blessings!
Lord, thank you for each man, woman and child at Light of Christ. Each one brings something special to our midst. You've been so good to us. Thank you for this church.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
The Back-to-School-and-Soccer Blur
It happens every year--the back-to-school blur of scheduling. It's like putting a puzzle together. How can I fit all the pieces together? And my other driver just left for college! What if Papa Rooster is traveling with his job?
At least B16 is taking his road test in about 4 weeks. That introduces a whole new set of variables--and costs! (Car insurance on a teenage male? Astronomical!!) But at least we'll have more options for fitting it all together.
I guess scheduling is on my mind because I just got a new planner. Here's my life.
Mondays:
B16 and 12 have one virtual classroom session each. I will plan to go to yoga this morning.
We need to have everything ready to leave for B12's and C9's piano lessons, then B12's soccer practice--the minute B6 and C9 get off the bus. I may end up having to pick them up at school on Mondays, and B12 will probably be late to soccer every week. But it was the one, best chance at squeezing in piano lessons! Don't know what C9 and I will do after we drop off B12; we'll either return home for an hour, or do errands until we pick him up.
Tuesdays:
Guitar lesson first thing. Three virtual lectures for the boys. Late afternoon, I teach my Drama 1 class; then, for the next three weeks, Papa Rooster, B16 and I are going to choir practice! We were invited to join a choral arts group for one performance of this incredible gospel mass.
Meanwhile C9 has soccer practice. If the other soccer family can't bring her home, she'll have to miss it. At least her team has two scheduled practices a week.
Meanwhile, B16 also has soccer practice. If Papa Rooster is out of town, I don't know how we'll get him either to practice or to choir rehearsal. But PR probably will avoid scheduling travel on Tuesdays. He won't want to miss a rehearsal--that first tenor part is challenging!--and it's a lot of music left to learn in just three more weeks.
Wednesdays:
Three virtual sessions for the Bantams, and then B16's voice lesson mid-afternoon. Then two soccer practices, staggered, fortunately, so I can drop off one, then the other, pick up one, then the other. I'll save my errands to kill time in between.
(Still thinking about adding AWANA to this night--it's such a great program--maybe after soccer is over, if we can still join late.)
Thursdays:
Three more online sessions, two more soccer practices. One is for B16, who is helping a friend coach her son's team, so she provides his ride both ways. Phew! I will drive the carpool both ways to C9's practice, in return for them driving her on Tuesdays. Maybe Papa R and I can do Date Night during her practice? We'll have an hour and a half, if he's in town.
Fridays:
Nothing!! How did that happen? This will be the one weeknight, until soccer is over, that we could actually all sit down together for dinner AT dinnertime. Better make meal prep a priority on Fridays.
And it looks like time to pull out the crockpot and soup recipes for the other nights; all those soccer practices are between 5 and 7:30. With C9 and B6's bus arriving after 4 and their bedtime at 8:00, it's going to be tough to get in homework and piano practice, let alone dinner. I am grateful for B20, who is always home, so at least he can supervise if I'm not there. That's one silver lining of him not having a job yet.
Weekends:
Looks like we have four soccer games every Saturday for the next six weeks, with a few scattered games on Sunday afternoons as well. The Saturday games begin as early as 9 and will usually end at 4:30. So it's the whole day.
I confess I don't plan on watching every game! Papa R and I will have to divide and conquer anyway, because sometimes we'll have kids playing at the same time.
And once the weather turns colder, I am a wimp. I far prefer having theater rehearsals on Saturday mornings, when I can drop the kids off and go enjoy my quiet morning at Panera--indoors, with a hot cup of coffee, and no guilt about missing anything. When it's performance time, I can be right in there with the kids, being creative with my makeup responsibilities and watching my kids perform...in the comfort of a cozy, cushy theater! Even if I commit to helping out during rehearsals, I'm with friends. It's hard to make friends with other parents on the soccer team when we are all trying not to miss our child's one goal or great assist. Too often I've missed those moments because I've been chatting...and then I ask myself why I've been shivering out here in a lawn chair for the last hour! So now I'm a quiet soccer mom, except to yell encouragement at the kids whose names I know, but the time does go slower then.
Papa R took lots of great soccer photos last weekend. I should post some soon.
I should also take a shower. While I have the chance!
At least B16 is taking his road test in about 4 weeks. That introduces a whole new set of variables--and costs! (Car insurance on a teenage male? Astronomical!!) But at least we'll have more options for fitting it all together.
I guess scheduling is on my mind because I just got a new planner. Here's my life.
Mondays:
B16 and 12 have one virtual classroom session each. I will plan to go to yoga this morning.
We need to have everything ready to leave for B12's and C9's piano lessons, then B12's soccer practice--the minute B6 and C9 get off the bus. I may end up having to pick them up at school on Mondays, and B12 will probably be late to soccer every week. But it was the one, best chance at squeezing in piano lessons! Don't know what C9 and I will do after we drop off B12; we'll either return home for an hour, or do errands until we pick him up.
Tuesdays:
Guitar lesson first thing. Three virtual lectures for the boys. Late afternoon, I teach my Drama 1 class; then, for the next three weeks, Papa Rooster, B16 and I are going to choir practice! We were invited to join a choral arts group for one performance of this incredible gospel mass.
Meanwhile C9 has soccer practice. If the other soccer family can't bring her home, she'll have to miss it. At least her team has two scheduled practices a week.
Meanwhile, B16 also has soccer practice. If Papa Rooster is out of town, I don't know how we'll get him either to practice or to choir rehearsal. But PR probably will avoid scheduling travel on Tuesdays. He won't want to miss a rehearsal--that first tenor part is challenging!--and it's a lot of music left to learn in just three more weeks.
Wednesdays:
Three virtual sessions for the Bantams, and then B16's voice lesson mid-afternoon. Then two soccer practices, staggered, fortunately, so I can drop off one, then the other, pick up one, then the other. I'll save my errands to kill time in between.
(Still thinking about adding AWANA to this night--it's such a great program--maybe after soccer is over, if we can still join late.)
Thursdays:
Three more online sessions, two more soccer practices. One is for B16, who is helping a friend coach her son's team, so she provides his ride both ways. Phew! I will drive the carpool both ways to C9's practice, in return for them driving her on Tuesdays. Maybe Papa R and I can do Date Night during her practice? We'll have an hour and a half, if he's in town.
Fridays:
Nothing!! How did that happen? This will be the one weeknight, until soccer is over, that we could actually all sit down together for dinner AT dinnertime. Better make meal prep a priority on Fridays.
And it looks like time to pull out the crockpot and soup recipes for the other nights; all those soccer practices are between 5 and 7:30. With C9 and B6's bus arriving after 4 and their bedtime at 8:00, it's going to be tough to get in homework and piano practice, let alone dinner. I am grateful for B20, who is always home, so at least he can supervise if I'm not there. That's one silver lining of him not having a job yet.
Weekends:
Looks like we have four soccer games every Saturday for the next six weeks, with a few scattered games on Sunday afternoons as well. The Saturday games begin as early as 9 and will usually end at 4:30. So it's the whole day.
I confess I don't plan on watching every game! Papa R and I will have to divide and conquer anyway, because sometimes we'll have kids playing at the same time.
And once the weather turns colder, I am a wimp. I far prefer having theater rehearsals on Saturday mornings, when I can drop the kids off and go enjoy my quiet morning at Panera--indoors, with a hot cup of coffee, and no guilt about missing anything. When it's performance time, I can be right in there with the kids, being creative with my makeup responsibilities and watching my kids perform...in the comfort of a cozy, cushy theater! Even if I commit to helping out during rehearsals, I'm with friends. It's hard to make friends with other parents on the soccer team when we are all trying not to miss our child's one goal or great assist. Too often I've missed those moments because I've been chatting...and then I ask myself why I've been shivering out here in a lawn chair for the last hour! So now I'm a quiet soccer mom, except to yell encouragement at the kids whose names I know, but the time does go slower then.
Papa R took lots of great soccer photos last weekend. I should post some soon.
I should also take a shower. While I have the chance!
Friday, September 09, 2011
Tough Times for B6
Y'know, I wrote this whole other post that maybe I will publish tomorrow, but what is really on my mind?
Bantam6.
He's having a tough time, missing Mommy while he's at school.
I've never seen my rough-and-tumble, unflappable little boy so sad. Whenever he thinks about school, his little face crumples as he fights to hold back the tears. He stumbles toward me and clings to my waist like he's never done before, though I've dropped him off at dozens of different places and activities in his short lifespan and he's never even looked back. Wherever he goes, he's happy, he's tough, he's energetic--but for the last few days, he's been crying at school, too. This is so unexpected!
It's making me sad too.
I remember being homesick several times--at a sleepover, at my grandparent's house, at church camp--when I was older than six. That terrible anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach, like the bottom had dropped out, was something I was so glad to grow out of. I never wanted to experience it again. It was the worst, most miserable feeling.
I can see on his face that he's feeling exactly that way. There's a black hole deep down in his gut.
It's not a problem with school. He likes school, likes his classes and his teacher, and especially gym, recess, computer and art. And it's not that he's just not ready. He's been one of my quicker students, bright and eager to learn. I know he's going to do well and enjoy it, once he gets over this.
Or is he? Am I doing what is best for him? Homeschooling is an option for him, though it's not for most kids who go through this. Would it be best to keep him home this year? Am I only doing what is best for me?
Oh, the doubting and second-guessing....
This is where I am so glad I for the Holy Spirit inside. He gives me peace, that the decision we made before is still the right decision. It's best for me, for our family...and for him, I have to trust.
So I tell him he's going to be okay. (Don't we all really want to hear those words? "It's going to be okay. You are going to be okay." I've burst into tears of relief, just to hear another human speak those words to me. So I minister them to my boy.)
I tell him Jesus is with him all the time, even when Mommy isn't. I tell him that while he's at school, I am here at home, doing my work, not far away. I tell him I will be here when he gets off the bus. I tell him that if anything really bad happens, they will let him call me on the phone. I lay hands on him and I pray for the sadness to go away. I make sure he goes to bed early.
I want to show him faith and confidence that he can do this. But it's hard. Especially when part of me is sort of happy to be missed so much, touched by his little-boy sweetness. I remember that the tough little boy has always had a cuddly side. It's just that lately, he's gotten too big for my lap.
Well, not really.
Bantam6.
He's having a tough time, missing Mommy while he's at school.
I've never seen my rough-and-tumble, unflappable little boy so sad. Whenever he thinks about school, his little face crumples as he fights to hold back the tears. He stumbles toward me and clings to my waist like he's never done before, though I've dropped him off at dozens of different places and activities in his short lifespan and he's never even looked back. Wherever he goes, he's happy, he's tough, he's energetic--but for the last few days, he's been crying at school, too. This is so unexpected!
It's making me sad too.
I remember being homesick several times--at a sleepover, at my grandparent's house, at church camp--when I was older than six. That terrible anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach, like the bottom had dropped out, was something I was so glad to grow out of. I never wanted to experience it again. It was the worst, most miserable feeling.
I can see on his face that he's feeling exactly that way. There's a black hole deep down in his gut.
It's not a problem with school. He likes school, likes his classes and his teacher, and especially gym, recess, computer and art. And it's not that he's just not ready. He's been one of my quicker students, bright and eager to learn. I know he's going to do well and enjoy it, once he gets over this.
Or is he? Am I doing what is best for him? Homeschooling is an option for him, though it's not for most kids who go through this. Would it be best to keep him home this year? Am I only doing what is best for me?
Oh, the doubting and second-guessing....
This is where I am so glad I for the Holy Spirit inside. He gives me peace, that the decision we made before is still the right decision. It's best for me, for our family...and for him, I have to trust.
So I tell him he's going to be okay. (Don't we all really want to hear those words? "It's going to be okay. You are going to be okay." I've burst into tears of relief, just to hear another human speak those words to me. So I minister them to my boy.)
I tell him Jesus is with him all the time, even when Mommy isn't. I tell him that while he's at school, I am here at home, doing my work, not far away. I tell him I will be here when he gets off the bus. I tell him that if anything really bad happens, they will let him call me on the phone. I lay hands on him and I pray for the sadness to go away. I make sure he goes to bed early.
I want to show him faith and confidence that he can do this. But it's hard. Especially when part of me is sort of happy to be missed so much, touched by his little-boy sweetness. I remember that the tough little boy has always had a cuddly side. It's just that lately, he's gotten too big for my lap.
Well, not really.
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Happy Birthday, Chicklet9!
She's thoughtful. And so sweet.
She's friendly...and funny!
She is a joy and a delight.
I always thank God for you
because of his grace given you in Christ Jesus.
1 Corinthians 1:4
Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!
May you delight yourself in the Lord always,
and may He give you the desires of your heart!
Psalm 37:4
May you delight yourself in the Lord always,
and may He give you the desires of your heart!
Psalm 37:4
Saturday, September 03, 2011
Kicking Off the School Year
Here they are, the gang, waiting for the bus on the first day of school. It's the first time I've ever seen them sitting down when they are together! Two first-graders and a kindergartener, who live next door and across the street. They've spent their summer in the street--wearing out scooters, bikes, rollerblades and soccer balls. It's not uncommon to see deserted scooters or bikes in any of our front yards, while the boys disappear into the back yard to hit the sandbox, swingset or ditch. They play rough-and-tumble; they get into occasional spats and they work it out. They are a good group.
Watching Chicklet and B6 get on the bus wasn't as hard for me as I thought it might be. I'm happy for them! I know they are going to have a good time at school.
And they did love it. They are both motivated to "stay on green" or "keep their smiley face all day." Chicklet was happy to be remembered by kids that she knew from her half-year in first grade. I'll be interested to see how they fare academically, but I'm really not worried about them. They are bright and delightful children, and I know they will have a good year.
The first two days at iQ Academy were easy for Bantam12 in 7th grade--it's old hat for him, since he did this last year--and nerve-wracking for B16, in 10th. Everything took longer than he wanted it to, since it was all new to him, and he's second-guessing his decision already, just sure that this is going to be more time-consuming than his schedule would have been if he had gone to the private school. It was a struggle to stay calm while he was freaking out. My big challenge for the next couple weeks will be to stay calm, supportive and helpful to him until he gets comfortable and confident on his own.
And what did I do on the first two days of school, besides assist the Bantams-at-home? I uncovered the floor of my laundry room and vacuumed up all the sand. (Sand happens when you live near a beach!) I treated stains and laundered various delicate items that I've been saving up. I spent a good hour putting away stray items that had gathered in my laundry room, living room and kitchen counters. I sorted through the dress-up and changed its home. I brainstormed organization projects that I can't wait to start and bought storage drawer thingys at Walmart.
I discovered, deep down, a slew of pent-up organizing and cleaning impulses that I may, finally, have time and energy to act upon!
I think it's going to be a good school year.
Thursday, September 01, 2011
Wrapping Up Summer
Well, this is it. This morning, the big yellow schoolbus arrives...the virtual school bell rings.... What have we been doing for the last few weeks besides take Blondechick to college?
Mostly we've been wrapping up the summer and preparing for the fall.
We've been to the beach quite a bit, soaking up every last moment of sand, surf and sunshine. Lake Michigan is at its warmest in August and September, and with the breeze off the lake, it feels cool there on the hottest day. I love to lay in the sun and not even sweat!
We had a late-summer picnic with families from our theater group. We've all missed seeing each other!
We picked up all the kids' bedrooms and had the carpets cleaned. The stairs especially were just gross before. Much better now.
We found a guitar teacher for B16. We found a piano teacher for C8 and B12. A voice teacher for B16 is in the works. We started guitar lessons already.
We have to work these lessons in around the school schedule AND soccer practices, which have already started. This year the 3 youngest are all doing soccer, and two of them have two practices a week. That means we have soccer practice Monday, Tuesday, two on Wednesday, and Thursday nights, plus three games on Saturday. B16 is helping coach a team, so add one more practice (Thursday) for him. Plus games, if he wants.
Soccer is going to be a way bigger time commitment than theater, I'm afraid. Our kids can't do both, so I'm the only one going to drama classes one night a week--as a teacher! I'm teaching Drama 1 again, and I have 16 kids signed up for my class! So I've been preparing for that.
The younger half and I used our free passes to Six Flags Great America, earned through the Six Flags Reading Club. Then Papa Rooster and the boys received invitations by friends with free coupons. So some of us did a lot of roller coasters in the last few weeks....
Chicklet and I finally completed a summer project we'd been trying to work in. We invited another mom, her daughters and her sewing machine to come over and have a sewing date. Due to under-performance on the parts of our respective machines, the other mom and I ended up doing more sewing than our daughters, but they still learned a lot and the result was so cute!
We bought school supplies for C8 and B6, attended the school's open house, met their teachers, found their desks, and stashed their supplies inside.
We had our Chicago cousin here for a couple nights. She's six and doesn't need much entertaining--she and Chicklet8 and Bantam6 played and played, and when they got bored, we went to the beach.
When we returned her, we went "downtown"--(into Chicago)--to Buckingham Fountain, Millennium Park and the Lincoln Park Zoo. It was a day trip the kids had asked about at the beginning of summer. It's been ages--B6 didn't remember any of it. He'll remember it this time!
It was a perfect day--and a perfect way to wrap up the summer!
Mostly we've been wrapping up the summer and preparing for the fall.
We've been to the beach quite a bit, soaking up every last moment of sand, surf and sunshine. Lake Michigan is at its warmest in August and September, and with the breeze off the lake, it feels cool there on the hottest day. I love to lay in the sun and not even sweat!
We had a late-summer picnic with families from our theater group. We've all missed seeing each other!
We picked up all the kids' bedrooms and had the carpets cleaned. The stairs especially were just gross before. Much better now.
We found a guitar teacher for B16. We found a piano teacher for C8 and B12. A voice teacher for B16 is in the works. We started guitar lessons already.
We have to work these lessons in around the school schedule AND soccer practices, which have already started. This year the 3 youngest are all doing soccer, and two of them have two practices a week. That means we have soccer practice Monday, Tuesday, two on Wednesday, and Thursday nights, plus three games on Saturday. B16 is helping coach a team, so add one more practice (Thursday) for him. Plus games, if he wants.
Soccer is going to be a way bigger time commitment than theater, I'm afraid. Our kids can't do both, so I'm the only one going to drama classes one night a week--as a teacher! I'm teaching Drama 1 again, and I have 16 kids signed up for my class! So I've been preparing for that.
The younger half and I used our free passes to Six Flags Great America, earned through the Six Flags Reading Club. Then Papa Rooster and the boys received invitations by friends with free coupons. So some of us did a lot of roller coasters in the last few weeks....
 |
| B12 flanked by Mr. A and his twins |
We bought school supplies for C8 and B6, attended the school's open house, met their teachers, found their desks, and stashed their supplies inside.
We had our Chicago cousin here for a couple nights. She's six and doesn't need much entertaining--she and Chicklet8 and Bantam6 played and played, and when they got bored, we went to the beach.
When we returned her, we went "downtown"--(into Chicago)--to Buckingham Fountain, Millennium Park and the Lincoln Park Zoo. It was a day trip the kids had asked about at the beginning of summer. It's been ages--B6 didn't remember any of it. He'll remember it this time!
 |
| B6 with his aunt and cousin |
It was a perfect day--and a perfect way to wrap up the summer!
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