Tough Times for B6

Y'know, I wrote this whole other post that maybe I will publish tomorrow, but what is really on my mind?

Bantam6.

He's having a tough time, missing Mommy while he's at school.

I've never seen my rough-and-tumble, unflappable little boy so sad.  Whenever he thinks about school, his little face crumples as he fights to hold back the tears.  He stumbles toward me and clings to my waist like he's never done before, though I've dropped him off at dozens of different places and activities in his short lifespan and he's never even looked back.  Wherever he goes, he's happy, he's tough, he's energetic--but for the last few days, he's been crying at school, too. This is so unexpected!

It's making me sad too.

I remember being homesick several times--at a sleepover, at my grandparent's house, at church camp--when I was older than six.  That terrible anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach, like the bottom had dropped out, was something I was so glad to grow out of.  I never wanted to experience it again.  It was the worst, most miserable feeling.

I can see on his face that he's feeling exactly that way.  There's a black hole deep down in his gut.

It's not a problem with school.  He likes school, likes his classes and his teacher, and especially gym, recess, computer and art.  And it's not that he's just not ready.  He's been one of my quicker students, bright and eager to learn.  I know he's going to do well and enjoy it, once he gets over this.

Or is he?  Am I doing what is best for him? Homeschooling is an option for him, though it's not for most kids who go through this.  Would it be best to keep him home this year?  Am I only doing what is best for me?

Oh, the doubting and second-guessing....

This is where I am so glad I for the Holy Spirit inside.  He gives me peace, that the decision we made before is still the right decision.  It's best for me, for our family...and for him, I have to trust.

So I tell him he's going to be okay.  (Don't we all really want to hear those words?  "It's going to be okay.  You are going to be okay."  I've burst into tears of relief, just to hear another human speak those words to me.  So I minister them to my boy.)

I tell him Jesus is with him all the time, even when Mommy isn't.  I tell him that while he's at school, I am here at home, doing my work, not far away.  I tell him I will be here when he gets off the bus.  I tell him that if anything really bad happens, they will let him call me on the phone.  I lay hands on him and I pray for the sadness to go away.  I make sure he goes to bed early.

I want to show him faith and confidence that he can do this.  But it's hard.  Especially when part of me is sort of happy to be missed so much, touched by his little-boy sweetness.  I remember that the tough little boy has always had a cuddly side.  It's just that lately, he's gotten too big for my lap.

Well, not really.