Guilty

Well, it turns out the reason he was cut had nothing to do with his performance, and everything to do with...ME!

Yup, I screwed up big-time in not communicating clearly enough about a conflict we had listed on the audition form. I thought I understood one thing, and really, something else was meant. A tough lesson to learn!

I was so consumed with guilt and "if onlys" playing through my head that I could barely think of anything else, for a few days there. The only prayer I could pray, in the sleepless night hours, was "Lord, have mercy." (Talk about a Lenten experience: If there had been sackcloth and ashes to hand, I'd have donned them, in quantity.)

And He has! He's shown me great mercy. In the ensuing days, Bantam13 has thought of a number of silver linings to the situation, and though he was initially hurt and disappointed, he's come around to feeling just fine about it. He never blamed me, but it's so much easier for me to stop beating myself up about it, now that he's decided it may actually be a good thing. And hey, he'll get to attend his team's robotics competition after all!

I'm so aware that it could have been worse. I'm grateful that this happened with a show that none of us really like much. (That's not sour grapes, either; I'm on record here! ) There wasn't a dream role in it that B13 was hoping for. It's not like Blondechick16 and Bantam10 were both cast and he's the only one who wasn't. As it is, with just one child in the show, and the Munchkins in only one scene--my favorite one, for the record--we probably won't even have to attend as many rehearsals as usual, and that will be helpful, considering the extra responsibilities I'm carrying right now.

I can think all these comforting thoughts today, but yesterday I was still trapped in guilt and the loss of all that we had planned on and hoped for. Because I wasn't feeling up to much else, I started a new book, and there in the introduction was quoted this prayer by Brennan Manning:

May all your expectations be frustrated;
may all your plans be thwarted;
may all your desires be withered into nothingness....
that you may experience the powerlessness
and poverty of a child;
and sing and dance in the poverty of God;
Who is the Father, Son and Spirit. Amen.

Even when we think we know what we are doing...life is not in our control. And that is something to be celebrated!

It's been a good reminder.