Chores, Allowances, Cooperation, Motivation

I said there was more to tell about the younger set....

So we've instituted a new chore system here at the Henhouse.

We've gone through so many evolutions of chore charts, sticker charts, points, and monetary incentives in the past thirteen years that I've been homeschooling.  They've all worked great for awhile, and then inevitably, they become cumbersome, or life gets too busy, or the kids realize that it's still the same old chores (and I'm sure this one will be no different).  We've also gone through long periods of time in "git 'er done" mode, where we just gave out jobs to be done--or else.  That's where we've been since we moved.

But I sensed that it was time to start incentivizing and rewarding the younger three, now that they are all old enough to really be helpful.  And I kept thinking about a good system we had used with the older three when they were all in elementary school.  In fact, it's something I bought (and you can too, if you wish, right here).

It's a pegboard with little plastic circles that you hang on the pegs, and it's a great system.  I recommend the instructional materials that come with it, as a way to think about building character as well as responsibility.  But it can be a little complicated to keep up with the whole system, and in this house, I didn't have a good place to mount the pegboard.  (Mine is the jumbo size.)

So I'm just using the plastic circles, and a hanging shoebag.  (Not really like the one pictured, but ours has our kids' names all over it, so I didn't want to post a picture of it.)  My shoe bag is navy fabric, with mesh for the pockets, and it's much smaller than this--maybe it's for kids' shoes.  Or maybe because I got it at the dollar store--Dollar General, perhaps?  Anyway, it's longer and narrower, with 4 rows of two pockets, and it fits on a narrow wall by the kitchen pantry that faces the bathroom.  Out of sight, basically, but conveniently located for the whole family.

Their chores are written on cards.  When they do a chore, they move the card from the To Do pocket, to the Done pocket, and they put a green circle in in the Done pocket.  Each morning, they move the cards back to the To Do pocket (but if they forget, it's no big deal, because they remember when they go to put in their green circle after a chore is done).  When they get ten green circles in their Done pocket, they get a dollar.  They can earn extra green circles if they do an extra job that Mom thinks of, or if they do someone else's job, so I've found them very willing to pitch in when needed (vs. saying "That's not my job!").

There are bonus green circles they can earn, too, like "Finished my school before lunch."  (Sadly, I've paid out only once so far!)  They can also lose a green circle for disobedience, complaining, fighting, etc. This has been nice for me to have a non-emotional, objective consequence to give them.  And they can earn bonus yellow circles for good choices.  These aren't for money, but they praise good choices like, "Obeying quickly,"  "Didn't argue or complain," "Cheerful heart," "Good listening" and "Great attitude." They have colorful stickers on them and it reminds me to reward the attitude as well as compliance.

It's been working so well that we added the two teens that are still home.  We didn't have enough pockets, but with them, their cards are in a pocket, and if they complete the chore, it gets attached to the front of the pocket with a colored paperclip.  When all ten of their cards are under the paperclip--with the idea that these are spread over a week, as they have to help with dishes and meals multiple times--they get ten dollars. 

That's on top of what we normally fork out for lunch money and occasional spending money.  We've never really given a flat allowance.  We pay for things that come up, and we've paid for jobs that require lots of time, like lawn mowing and snow clearing.  We've occasionally had monetary incentives for chores, but we've had difficulties with nitpicking about how much a job was worth, or whether they should get paid for doing only some of their chores.

This system eliminates the timing element that sometimes became awkward, like what to do when we are gone all day?  Or the all-or-nothing approach I tried once, where they only got paid for the day if ALL their daily chores were done.  With this new plan, they earn more or less depending on how hard they work, and it rewards those who remember their responsibilities and do them.  The burden's on them, not me.  And they end up reminding each other.

I'm wondering why I've spent so much time on this post.  I guess I'm hopeful that it will inspire somebody else!  Teaching kids responsibility and helpfulness can be one of the most tedious parts of parenting, but it is so important. 

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  

Galatians 6:9 

Works for Me: Intercom

When we moved into our new house last May, with hardwood floors and a high ceiling in the living room, one of my first thoughts was how we were going to keep this house from being too NOISY.

Our last house, despite low ceilings and carpet, was bad enough. And not so much because of the kids, but because of MY voice. With kids' bedrooms in the basement and upstairs, I was constantly yelling up one stairway and down the other any time I needed kids--or even just one child--to come.

"In this house," I told Papa Rooster, "I want an intercom system installed."

"Installed?" he asked. "I'm sure it's all wireless now." And by golly it is!

I was thinking of my aunt's house, when I was little. There was a box on the wall in the kitchen, one in the basement and one upstairs. The wiring had been put in when the house was built.

But now, did you know that you can go to Radio Shack and buy three intercom box-thingies, plug them in in three different rooms, and with the push of a button, you can talk to each other?

Buy six box-thingies, and you can have one in each teenager's bedroom, one in the basement family room, one in your husband's office, and one in Grand Central Station the kitchen. And you can keep tossing the salad while you call everyone for dinner!

Visitors to our home always say, "Wow, what a great idea! We need to get those!" When it's time to leave, more than one dad thinks it's fun to call all his kids on the intercom. (It's also surprisingly great entertainment for certain teenage boys.) And it builds family togetherness, because no, you can't select which unit to call; if you speak, everyone hears.

In our home, besides dinner and chore announcements, Mom uses it to give a wake-up call to any sleepyheads, to solve small mysteries such as "Who is Bantam3 with?" and to give the 15 minute warning before it's time to leave. Papa Rooster in the basement uses it to let Mom in the kitchen know that they are starting the movie now...(do other moms try to get "just a few more things done" while everyone else assembles?). And after the novelty wore off, the kids use it for information only now; e.g. "Mom, did you do laundry today?"

Works great for us!

For more tips from other Works for Me Wednesday participants, visit Rocks in My Dryer.

Labor Day Labors

The last day of summer...what shall we do with it?

Our kids invited their friends over.

Mama Hen decided to trim the wild and woolly bushes in the front of our house, which you may remember was vacant for the past two summers. It took 3.5 hours, instead of the hour or two she expected, what with having to stop and saw off so many branches that were too thick for the electric shears.

Papa Rooster thought it was a good day to buy a snowblower.

"A snowblower!" Mama Hen cried, garden saw in hand. "Why do we need a snowblower? We have two strong teenage sons, and you're not old and decrepit yet, even if you did just have another birthday. And we can always just drive over it till it melts."

"We live in Wisconsin, now, dear, near Lake Michigan," Papa Rooster patiently explained. "Kenosha has one of the highest average snowfalls in the nation and can get many inches, overnight, of really WET snow. We have a huge driveway. Even Jan says we need a snowblower, and a good one."

"Oh, all right then," Mama Hen acquiesced. "If Jan says we need one."

(Jan is a frugal Nebraska farmboy at heart, who would be the first to cry, "Put those boys to work!")

"But first," she said, with a gleam in her eye, "Why don't you do that budget spreadsheet we've been talking about for weeks, and tell me where the money is going to come from?"

Papa Rooster nodded, and it was his turn to accept reluctantly but without protest--in a word, acquiesce. "Good idea."

Several hours later, the friends were gone. The bushes were trimmed, the budget was established, and the snowblower (Consumer-Reports-researched and on sale for Labor Day) was residing in its new home in the Henhouse garage. Papa Rooster cleaned up some further banking business on the computer; Bantam17 gathered up branches and clippings, and Blondechick fried bacon for BLT sandwiches. Bantam13 set the table, Bantam9 retrieved the two youngest Chicks from a neighbor's house, and Mama Hen chopped up more veggies for the pasta salad.

They sat down to the last supper of the summer with special prayers for those starting in public school and those beginning homeschool tomorrow. Friends came over afterwards to watch the first session of a teen conference on DVD and left early, in deference to our teens who are getting up at 5 a.m. Things were quiet in the Nest by 10:15 p.m.

It was a well-labored Labor Day.

(And though we may have 21 days of summer left, officially, some of us--ahem--are already excitedly anticipating that first snowfall!!)

Rite of Passage

The first lost tooth.

All the other kids retell their stories--of teeth lost, found, swallowed and mysteriously disappeared.

And they explain about the Tooth Fairy, and why it is that she hasn't come yet.

She has always been a forgetful fairy. Many a morning a child of ours has awakened, hopefully reaching under the pillow for a pile of change, only to find the white envelope, untouched, toothy bump still palpable.

She gets lost, you know. That's what we've always blamed those disappointments on.

"She's getting old," I explain. "She's never been very good with maps. She probably took a wrong turn and ended up in Ohio--maybe at your grandparents' house, by mistake. She gets pretty confused."

And now she has a new excuse: "Well, we've moved. She's never been here before. It'll probably take a few nights before she can find us."

We haven't meant to forget. But we've been staying up far too late with the Olympics, and it's just slipped our minds at bedtime.

Poor Chicklet. She's had several disappointing mornings already.

(Start 'em young, I always say. Set those expectations reeeeaaaalllll low.)

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to stick a handful of change under a certain almost six-year-old's pillow.

Because I can't wait to see that pretty little gap-toothed smile in the morning!

Birthday Open Mic: Final Answers

Jen in Seattle asked these very thought-provoking questions:

How have you encouraged your children’s hearts toward the Lord? How have you responded when they've resisted spiritual things? How do you help them through questions of theodicy [defense of God's goodness and justice in the face of the existence of evil]?

I’m sure that the most important way we encourage our children's hearts toward the Lord is by our own example. They see us reading our Bibles and serving at church, of course--but even more importantly, our kids hear us pray, out loud, honestly and openly. They hear us confess, with tears, our failings and our need of God's forgiveness. They hear us seeking His wisdom when we have none. They hear us ask for His help with tasks that are too difficult for us. They hear us intercede for sick and hurting friends--and when they are sick or hurting, we lay hands on them and pray for them. They see us praising God for His blessings.

We encourage them to pray aloud in the same way—honestly asking for help with their needs and struggles. We expect them not just to pray for sick friends and their own material desires, but to ask God for the spiritual transformations they need—to pray for patience, or diligence, or love for a difficult person. We discuss Scripture with them and encourage them to respond to it in their prayers.

I believe that creating this environment of spiritual honesty has probably been one of the best things we have done with our kids. It’s encouraged a family culture of open communication which is paying off as our kids reach teenager status.

I think a key point too, is that our kids are with us all the time, since we homeschool. I have many opportunities every day to affirm right attitudes and correct wrong ones, to ask the questions that make them think about what comes out of their hearts through their mouths. And our kids are not spending large portions of their day in an environment which is Godless, but in a family, where He is the center. We noticed a big difference when our oldest son was in public school, especially during middle school—he was more apt to say things like he didn’t care what God thought, or to tell us that things like swearing didn’t matter. He was definitely affected by being away from our influence so much. He has seemed happier, more relaxed and pleasant since he’s not been going to school this year, and has even given big-brotherly advice to Bantam9, who’s currently doing a stint in public school, on traps to avoid (including swearing!).

As our kids have reached that age when they start to question it all--Does God really exist? Are the Bible stories really true? How can God let bad things happen to people?--we have continued to model a transparent honesty. We admit that we don't have all the answers. We know God uses suffering for good in our lives, if we choose to respond in the right way to trials--yet it is hard to watch others suffer, or to understand God's purpose in it. Our knowledge is limited, yet His is not. My favorite analogy to use with kids (and myself) is the jigsaw puzzle--so often all we are holding is a piece or two, but God sees how each one of the 1,000 pieces fit together.

As for God's existence, we believe He exists because we know Him. He speaks to us, acts in our lives, we can feel His presence--and they admit that they know Him too, in that way. I've told my older kids that in college I studied all the rational arguments "proving" the existence of God, but the bottom line for me has been--what kind of a life do I want to live? A life with God, as a Christian, or a life without Him? Not only do I prefer a life on this earth with God vs. one without Him, but on a purely pragmatic rational basis, I have a lot more to lose if I don't believe in God and am wrong, than if I do believe in God and am wrong. That was Pascal’s position, and for the child who was voicing these doubts, it was a convincing enough thought--though he was also sobered by the specter of a life without Him.

And that friends, wraps up the birthday questions for another year! Thanks so much to all who participated and asked such great questions. It was fun to think them through!

Our Family's Lenten Practices

We discuss and model three disciplines with our kids during Lent: confession, fasting, and engagement.

Confession:

We discuss: Why do we need a whole 40 days of penitence? We should confess our sins year 'round, shouldn't we?

And we should indeed. But we get comfortable in our sins. Or we pretend they're not really sin. Or we're so used to them, we forget about trying to change. After all, nobody can live a sinless life. Why bother?

I love Frederica Mathewes-Greene's answer:

[I]f we're Christians we're always hearing that God loves us just the way we are, and that Jesus has paid for all our sins, so it looks like there's nothing left to do. We can spend this life watching TV. Yet we have to ask: why are our lives so tedious and uninspired? Why do we who claim to be Christian behave no better (kinder, more justly, more honestly) than those who don't? Is this whole life just waiting around to go to heaven, killing time at the mall?

When we read the New Testament it's clear that early Christians experienced something a lot more exciting than we do--something transforming, in fact. In the Bible and other early writings they describe "life in Christ" in terms that are vigorous rather than stagnant; they were being changed day by day into the likeness of his glory. The most distinctive thing about the way early Christians describe their lives is *energy*. God is at work! Look out! Amazing things are happening!

…If you want to be transformed, you'll have to change. If you're going to change, you have to admit you need to change. You have to look inside, where it's dusty and cobwebbed, and let the light start to shine in.

This is why repentance feels like a relief. It's admitting the truth about ourselves--stuff God already knows, but which we go to exhausting lengths to deny. Once it's in the open, we can deal with it, and start to see things change. We may even see miracles, even if they're just in our own behavior: more hopeful, more compassionate, less cranky. (The rest of this article is here.)

Lent is a time set aside to deal with sin. So during Lent we practice confession, asking God to search our hearts and put His finger on those things in our lives that need to change.

Usually the older kids and I write out our confessions, and we share some or all of them out loud. I have seen the relief that comes from admitting that they sometimes sneak candy or intentionally make their little sister cry or lie about Lego claims (after multiple trades, ownership gets fuzzy). And it's good for them to know that I know that I sin against them on a regular basis, with anger or a blaming spirit or failures of love.

We talk about the difference between sins of commission (things we have done) and sins of omission (things we have left undone). Ignoring a little siblings' request for help is sinful. Not being loving is as bad as being mean. Forgetting those in need is wrong. We may also discuss the Litany of Penitence, from the Ash Wednesday service, as an example.

We often burn these confessions in the fireplace on Ash Wednesday, but I think this year we'll wait and do it on Good Friday. I think for myself it will be powerful to confess my list daily for 40 days.

Fasting:

As we say no to our appetites, we strengthen our will to say no to sin. So we serve no desserts during Lent, and we encourage our kids to give up some little enjoyable habit or something that distracts them from the Lord or from obedience (as we also do). They've given up Legos, secular music, a favorite breakfast cereal--and sometimes they find, in their Easter basket, a small Lego set, a CD or a box of cereal.

One of our friends asked his nine or ten year old daughter what she had given up for Lent. "Well," she sighed, "I tried giving up sin. But I just couldn't do it. So I guess I'm switching to chocolate."

(Baby steps, kids--it's all about baby steps. Even for grown-ups.)

Disciplines of engagement:

During Lent, we try to add in a practice that will help us grow spiritually. We may purpose to memorize a Scripture passage, or read the Bible every day (besides our family Bible reading), or choose a character quality we want to exercise and grow in. We may select special Lenten devotional reading, or choose a ministry to serve in, or save money for a charity (a traditional Lenten discipline of engagement called almsgiving).

And we continue to discuss Lenten themes throughout the 40 days. One time, we were reflecting on the Psalm 51 Ash Wednesday reading ("For he himself knows whereof we are made; he remembers that we are but dust. Our days are like the grass; we flourish like a flower of the field; When the wind goes over it, it is gone, and its place shall know it no more.") I explained that it's important for us to realize how small we are and how short our lives on earth are, and how big and eternal God is, rather than having such a huge focus on ourselves.

"I get it!" Bantam(11, at the time) said, "It's like, we're the ants, and God is the dude!"


Lent's practical disciplines and prayerful emphases help us as we wage war against the sin that so easily entangles us. As Christ was put to death, effectively taking our sins with him, that He might rise in glory, unblemished and unstained by sin—so we too, during Lent, attempt to put to death a little more of that sinful nature, that we may rise above it, with Christ, during Easter!

Works for Me Wednesday #11

I remember the days when I just had little ones, when every time a mealtime rolled around, I had to drop everything and create a meal. I realized recently that except for dinner, those days for me are G-O-N-E. My four older kids, 8 on up to 16, are all perfectly capable of making their own breakfasts and lunches, and of feeding the two youngest as well, if I ask them to.

Instead of short-order cook, my responsibilities have shifted more toward inventory management. My goal is to always have the following supplies on hand, so my budding chefs always have the ingredients to create their own quick and healthy lunches. Like these:

Quesadillas
Corn tortillas (read labels, but the whole wheat ones seem to be much higher in fat)--we always keep a supply of these in the freezer, like bread
Canned fat-free refried beans
Shredded Cheddar cheese
Mild salsa (hot sauce optional)
Spread beans, salsa and cheese between two tortillas and heat 45 seconds in microwave.

Beans and Cheese
Canned pork'n'beans sprinkled with cheddar cheese and heated in the microwave.

Brown Rice and Cheese
Brown rice sprinkled with cheddar cheese and heated in the microwave. Hot sauce optional.
When I make rice, I make tons so we can have this for lunch the next day or two.

(Sometimes, they even have: Brown Rice, Beans and Cheese) (Hot sauce optional)

"Cheater Cheese" Sandwiches
Whole wheat bread slices--toast in toaster
American cheese slice--place between pieces of toast and microwave 15 seconds

Pizza Muffins
Whole wheat English muffins or whole wheat hamburger buns.
Spaghetti sauce
American cheese slice or shredded Mozzarella cheese
--Toast muffins, spread with spaghetti sauce and cover with cheese; microwave till cheese melts.

Egg "McMuffins"
Whole wheat bread or English muffin
1-2 eggs, scrambled or over easy, sprinkled with a dash of seasoning salt.
American cheese slice
--Toast muffin or bread while cooking egg; put egg and cheese between toasted bread and let cheese melt.

Pasta with Spaghetti Sauce
When cooking pasta, cook extra and freeze in quart size bags for lunch-size individual servings. Thaw pasta in microwave, add spaghetti sauce and finish heating. Top with parmesan cheese.

Organic Peanut Butter and 100% Fruit Spread on Whole Wheat--of course

Meat and Cheese Sandwiches on Whole Wheat--of course. (Mustard a must; lettuce and pickles a plus; light mayo optional.)

Tuna Salad on Whole Wheat Pita Bread
Tuna
Light mayo
Pickle relish
Combine and stuff into whole wheat pita bread pocket.

Yogurt Parfaits
Vanilla yogurt and plain yogurt--mixed half and half and layered with:
Fat free granola
Canned tropical fruit cocktail mix

Not So Healthy But Cheap Frozen Beef'n'Bean Burritos--heat in microwave, unwrap tortilla, add cheddar cheese and re-wrap.

Gourmet Chef Salad
Pre-washed bagged salad mix (not iceberg)
Leftover grilled chicken or steak, (or in a pinch, Buddig-style sliced sandwich meat) cut into bite-size pieces
Blue cheese, goat cheese or feta cheese crumbles
Walnuts, almonds or sunflower seeds
Dried cranberries, raisins or mandarin oranges
Balsamic or other favorite viniagrette

(Okay, you may have guessed that THAT is what I keep on hand for my lunches, though I'm also partial to PB&J's, cheese quesadillas, and leftovers.)

What about side dishes, you ask? I try to keep the following on hand:

Baby carrots
Canned pork-n'beans (serve with cheese, of course).
Canned sweet potatoes/yams --One of my kids hates these, but the other 5 and I eat these cold, out of the can. ("You do not like them, so you say. Try them! Try them! And you may. Try them and you may, I say!")
Frozen veggies--we like mixed, broccoli, corn, and broccoli-carrot-cauliflower mix.
Canned beets--heat with butter, honey and a pinch of salt. Half love, half hate. Give 'em a try.
Canned three-bean salad
Canned tomato soup (nobody will eat canned vegetable soup anymore).
Broccoli florets or red pepper strips with ranch dressing (Okay, that one's not always on hand and if it's gonna get eaten, I have to fix it.)
Apples
Bananas
Oranges
Grapefruit
Grapes
Other fresh fruits as they go on sale or appear on the scratch'n'dent shelf at my local grocery
Frozen fruits--but we usually put these in smoothies
Applesauce

There ya go--a nice list of ingredients for quick, easy lunches that kids can make. Works for me!

For more Works for Me Wednesday ideas, see Rocks in My Dryer.

Works for Me Wednesday #8

It's fall. And what is fall without hot apple cider, mulled with cinnamon sticks? Mmmmm, how about a mug right now....

But cinnamon sticks are expensive, if you buy them in the spice section of the grocery store. So here's my frugal secret: Dollar General!

They sell a large container--about 30 cinnamon sticks--for $1! That's one dollar, folks.

At that price, I can afford to give each one of my urchins their OWN cinnamon stick in their mug of cider--a much-sought-after treat they smoke chew on for hours.

Dollar General is my hands-down favorite "dollar store," for lots of reasons (maybe I'll elaborate on that next Wednesday), but this item is one of the most incredible deals anywhere.

I think Dollar Generals are all over the country. I hope there's one near you!

For more "Works for Me" tips, visit Rocks in My Dryer.

Works for Me Wednesday #7

With six kids and sixteen years of parenting under my belt, how well I know the continual quest to beg, bribe or bully children into helping pick up the house! Chore charts, payment systems, rewards and penalties have come and gone, but one idea that has stood the test of time at our house is "the zones."

We assign every one of our kids a room or rooms that is theirs to keep picked up. If the preschoolers made a mess in your zone, I'm sorry, but it just became your job to help them pick it up. (Since most pre-Kers are equal-opportunity mess-makers, it tends to even out eventually.) If an older sibling left their belongings in your zone, you either move them into their zone, or make sure they remove it from yours. If it belongs to Mom or Dad, you put it away for them (oh yes, you do!--after ALL they've DONE for YOU) or ask what they'd like you to do with it.

If an item in your zone belongs upstairs, you put it on the stairs leading up; if it goes in the basement, you put it on the stairs going down there. The person in charge of clearing the stairs puts those items in the owner's bedrooms, and the owner takes it from there. If you don't know where an item goes, you ask Mom.

When are you done? When your zone looks ready to have its picture taken! That may mean you not only pick up, you also straighten the rug or tuck in the slipcover or straighten the books on the shelf. Mom is the final judge of whether you are done. But please, develop a little pride in creating an orderly and inviting zone for all to enjoy! (I do see it happening as they get older....)

Do we rotate who gets what zone? Very rarely--and I believe that's been part of the long-lived nature of this strategy. We move other chores around a bit to even things up as fairly as possible, and the work has stayed balanced or even been reduced for the older ones as the younger kids have become older and able to take on a little more. Occasionally a couple kids have asked to trade zones, and as long as both want to, that's fine--but basically, they seem to prefer the zone they've always done, and that's made it way easier for we parents of the few remaining brain cells to remember who has what room.

Right now, the daily zone/chore balance looks like this (this does not include once a week chores like cleaning bathrooms or dusting, although they basically work in their zones for those too):

Bantam16: the kitchen/dining room zone at lunchtime; his bedroom; the basement bathroom; unloading the dishwasher and vacuuming as needed.

Blondechick14: the kitchen/dining room zone at dinnertime; her bedroom; the upstairs bathroom; the living room; the upstairs hallway and stairs.

Bantam12: the family room; his and his brother's bedroom (putting brother's things in a pile for him to put away); the main level half bath; the kitchen/dining room at breakfast-time.

Bantam8: the basement stairs; emptying trash and recycling bins; helping Chicklet4 clean up her room; clearing and sweeping the kitchen/dining room floor.

Chicklet4: her bedroom, with Bantam8's help; helping pick up her things in other people's zones; the "Cinderella job" (cleaning spots off the tile floor in the kitchen/dining room with a rag).

Bantam2: undoing everyone else's work; he takes this responsibility seriously.

And as we all know, you can only expect what you're willing to inspect, so put that "Inspector job" at the top of YOUR daily list.

"Zones": They help my kids work for me!

(For more Works for Me Wednesday posts, visits Rocks in my Dryer.)

Works for Me Wednesday #3

This week's Works-for-Me Wednesday is:

WFMW: The Great Parenting Advice Edition. What parenting lessons have you learned the hard way? What would you tell a first-time parent? Save us all some headaches and share!

Since I have kids from age sixteen on down to two--three categories.

Advice for parents of young children:

Kids don't need baths that often. Trust the voice of experience on this one. They don't melt or get infectious or sick or something if they're not bathed regularly. Bathe them when they start to smell.

Kids don't need to be changed into pajamas at bedtime. Let them sleep in their clothes until they prefer jammies. Change clothes when the clothes are dirty, like after meals--not for arbitrary agenda items like sleeping and waking.

Kids are tougher than you think. Don't freak when they fall off the couch/table/refrigerator/playground equipment. (Okay, maybe the refrigerator.) Nine times out of ten, they're fine. Some of them won't even cry if you don't.

Kids are smarter than you think. If you think they're beginning to understand "no," they do. Let them experience consequences whenever possible.

Kids have to be taught to like vegetables. Don't let any expert tell you otherwise. Serve them their veggies first, to be finished before they get anything else. (If they won't eat them, then they're not that hungry. Try again later.) Save fruit or dessert or their gummi-vites as a treat for last, a reward after they've finished everything else. Avoid sugar and they'll think of fruit as a dessert. Give them manageable portions and DO require that they clean up their plate! Don't tolerate pickiness until they're much older.

Enjoy them. Squeeze and kiss that chub while you can.

Advice for parents of tweens:

Spend time with them now, while they still think you're invincible.

Help them learn to do the things they want to do. Pay for guitar lesons, teach them to cook, help them start their own blog or lawnmowing business.

Don't do anything for them that they can do for themselves. Encourage maturity in practical situations. Discourage it in culture assimilation.

Address attitudes, not just behavior. Ask questions; "Was that respectful?" "Are you ignoring me?" and "Did you do your best?" are good ones.

When they share their problems, pray with them about them. Pray for their headache, their recital, the situation with their friend. Ask them to pray with you for your headache, test, or situation.

Smooch and tickle them as long as they'll still let you. Use the phrase "I love you" liberally--at bedtime, on the phone, when you're just running out to buy milk. It's a great habit to instill now, to carry into the teen years--and beyond.

Advice for parents of teens:

Start preparing to let go. But don't. Very gradually give them more independence. When they turn 13, remember ya still got 6 or 7 years to go.

With privilege comes responsibility. As you increase one, increase the other. Don't give them too many privileges too early. Keep something for when they turn 18.

Don't let them spend too much time away from home. It's so easy for the voices of their peers to drown yours out. Make sure they know that time with friends is a privilege, to be balanced with responsibilities at home--not a right God hands down to everyone over the age of 12.

Listen when they talk. Work hard to get them to talk. Don't shut them down when they talk by making judgmental statements. When you disagree, save it. Listen when they talk.

Even if you have to prop your eyelids open with toothpicks because she mostly likes to talk at bedtime (your bedtime), even if you have to invent errands that he and only he can accompany you on in order to get that quiet son a captive in your car--do it. Work hard to get them to talk.

When you disagree or you want to instruct, share from the heart and from your own experience. You weren't always a fuddy-duddy. Remember what it was like when you were their age. Let them know you've been through it once. Be real--be honest--be discerning.

Enjoy them. Appreciate their uniqueness. See them as the fascinating people, so different from you, that they are becoming. Learn from them and let them know they've made you think. Treat them with the respect you'd give someone you're just becoming friends with.

***

Because that's where we're headed, I think. I'm not there yet, but I think these kids I'm raising might become my friends for life.

I hope so.

They're pretty neat people.

Works for Me Wednesday #1

So, I've known about "Works for Me Wednesday" over at Rocks In My Dryer forEVER (I remember the first week Shannon tried it) but I have never participated because...I don't know! I never remembered in time...I had other things to blog about...I just never bothered...I'm not sure.

But it's not for lack of ideas. Pragmatics are something of a specialty of mine, actually. So I shall begin to try and remember when Wednesday rolls around!

This week I will share our simple, no-fuss solution to entertaining large numbers of people with short notice.

There are 8 in our family, so if we invite one other family over after church, we have large numbers to feed quick! Our solution: Bagels with meat and cheese to make sandwiches, plus fruit and coffee, served on paper plates.

Yes, paper plates. And you wouldn't believe how many people comment on that as a positive. They feel more relaxed when it's obvious that we can relax too; and the friendship goes deeper, quicker, when they realize that our priority is not presentation but relationship.

So, the specifics. I always keep on hand Aldi's versions of this and this (can you believe they sell that there?), coffee (of course), and paper plates. I try to buy extra finger fruits--like grapes or strawberries--for the weekend, just in case. And if the guests ask, as they often do, what they can bring, I offer the fruit idea to them; then we have more fruit selections.

Sometimes it helps with timing to have them make a quick grocery stop on the way to our house too, because we have a stop to make ourselves--to Panera! (Einstein's will do, too.) We have found that the perfect mix seems to be: one Asiago Cheese bagel apiece, to make sandwiches, and a selection of sweet bagels--just less than one apiece. (We have tried buying a selection of savory bagels for the sandwiches, but the Asiago Cheese are always the favorites, so now, unless someone is lactose intolerant, that's all we buy.)

Don't bother with the cream cheese--you're going to be making sandwiches. (Or buy that ahead of time at Aldi too, if you want strawberry cream cheese for the sweet bagels. ) Just get the Bagel Bucket of 13 or Bagel Pack of 18 with no cream cheese--it's much cheaper that way. Have them slice the bagels in half in their slicer, and if they're not busy, in half again with a knife, so that kids can have half-sandwiches. (I usually do this step at home, though, as our Panera is always so busy at lunchtime.) And don't forget to have them stamp your card to get a free Bagel Bucket when the card is filled! (Did I mention I am also frugal?)

Are you or your guests South-Beachers? Don't discard the bagel idea. Chances are that the kids are not, so bagels fill the bill for something quick and filling for them, and there's meat, cheese, fruit and coffee for Mom and Dad. We've added salad and baby carrots to the menu sometimes, and Panera makes a good whole-grain bagel too, if it's on your diet.

We have forged so many friendships over coffee and bagels in our home on Sunday afternoons--it sure works for me!

For other great tips and ideas, see this week's Works for Me roundup at Rocks In My Dryer.

A Morning in the Life

I found this in my drafts of posts I started a long time ago. We're not on much of any kind of a schedule right now; it's summer break and we're trying to get a house ready to list on the market!
The kids still have school to finish up, but the end is in sight. They each have a list of "When these final lessons are completed and these books are read, you'll be a __grader!" so they're pretty motivated whenever I tell them they're free to go chip away at the list.

But this is the way our mornings looked during the school year...

6:00 Bantam 16, a freshman at the public high school, wakes up and gets himself showered, breakfasted, lunch packed and ready for the bus at 6:45. One great thing about AS is that he's good at routines. I am so blessed--and so proud of him!--that he has been getting himself up and off in the mornings since 6th grade. (I don't know how I would have made it through the last pregnancy and infancy otherwise.)

Papa Rooster gets up and leaves for work sometime in this time period too--most of the time I have no idea when. He always lays his clothes out the night before, in the bathroom and in the hallway, so he doesn't wake me in the mornings. Isn't he thoughtful?

8:15ish Chicklet and/or Bantam 2 wake up, and that's usually my wake-up call. (I love it when I can wake at 7 or 7:30 and have a little morning to myself, but with my night-owl tendencies and teens and 'tweens who take after me, I rarely get to bed early enough for that.)

Then I wake Blondechick14, Bantam12 and Bantam8. The older two are supposed to set their alarms and wake earlier if they need a shower, but they usually oversleep. We're working on this.

The older kids get the little kids started on their cereal and then get their own breakfast. It's usually just cereal, or they'll make eggs or toast, and sometimes I'll make oatmeal the night before in the crockpot. While they eat, I sip coffee in the next room and read blogs or email. I read the Daily Office Scripture readings, choosing one passage that I'll read with the kids later.

After breakfast, the kids are supposed to do chores immediately while I finish up at the computer or make a related-to-the-day's-events phone call, but more often they disappear, ostensibly to: a) use the bathroom, b) get dressed, or c) put something away. Ahem.

When I call them back, they begin their morning chores. Bantam11 cleans up the kitchen and straightens the living room, Bantam8 sweeps the kitchen floor and empties trash and recycling bins, Blondechick14 straightens the front room, stairway and hallway upstairs and helps Chicklet4 pick up her room. I get myself and Bantam2 dressed during this time, help with the general pick-up of the main level, and try to keep the boys focused on their work. For some reason, B8 would rather stand on his head or perfect the dismount to his vault over the back of the couch; B12 prefers to recline on the couch. I've tried incentives, chorecharts, rewards, checklists, payment, punishment--you name it. Still can't figure out how to get them to Just. Do. It.

When we're all done, the older kids and I meet in the living room for Morning Prayer. (The little ones are welcome to join us if they are quiet or else they play together out in the front room.) We each have our own Book of Common Prayer, and the kids enjoy using them to do parts of the Morning Prayer service, but I think the whole service is too long, on a school morning and for the younger kids. I was always abridging it on the fly and skipping someone's favorite bit and we were always waiting on the youngest to find the right pages. So I finally wrote my own 2-page abridged version. It gives us a nice structure while allowing us to insert Scripture readings and our own prayers. I included in it 2 passages we wanted to memorize, so we at least read them daily.

Depending on how long breakfast and chores took, it is now around 10:30, give or take. On Mondays, this is the time our friends arrive; on Fridays, this is the time we arrive at their house and my day off begins! (Remember I have this great deal where a friend and I swap kids twice a week?)

Most days, we work hard on school from 10-10:30 till 1:00ish, when we break for lunch. On Mondays and Fridays, the older kids like to hang out together in one room doing reading or math. They stay pretty quiet unless someone cracks a joke or something, but our deal is that they work quietly all morning, and then after lunch, they can talk and hang out until 2:30, when I teach writing on Mondays or they have history/science with another mom on Fridays.

We honestly don't get as many subjects covered on Mondays and Fridays, but as long as the boys get the essentials--math and reading--done, I don't sweat if they have an extra spelling or grammar page to make up in the middle of the week. Blondechick14 likes to do most of her week's work in the middle of the week so that she can have easier days on Monday and Friday. She has gotten behind sometimes and had to work hard to make it up, but now she's learning what it takes to manage her time better. (A valuable subject for an 8th grader to study, I'd say!)

Chicklet4 and Bantam2 are the wild cards of each morning. Sometimes they play so nicely together; sometimes they make great mischief and are huge distractions. All we can do each day with them is play the hand we're dealt. My ace in the hole is letting Bantam8 lay aside the books and play with them!

Whatever schoolwork doesn't get done before lunch carries over into the afternoon, and into the evening if need be--we have some world-class dawdlers here. After the morning, I'm not sitting down with them any more, I'm just available for questions and to check their work when it's completed.

Hope this was interesting!

Recorded Book Recommendations

How does a busy mom have time for reading? My secret is: recorded books! I probably do half my reading in audio form--and have done ever since my commuting days before kids. Now, it's while I make dinner, or fold laundry, or clean up the kitchen at night, or run errands by myself (since I homeschool and have older kids I can leave the littles home with).

I borrow tapes and CD's from the library. In fact, I usually have a book on CD going in the kitchen, and one on tape going in the car (since my van has no CD player). I may have to renew them several times, but eventually, I get through them! I prefer books on tape, because you don't lose your place if you need to pop them out and change players, or if someone unplugs your kitchen boombox to plug in another appliance. Also, although tapes occasionally have problems, it's more common to get a scratched CD that skips annoyingly. But not everything is available on tape anymore...sigh.

The best recorded book readers, in my opinion, are with Recorded Books, Incorporated. If you're at your library, overwhelmed by the choices, you can't go wrong with them! You have got to hear their reader do Jeeves and Wooster. Nothing compares--not the PBS productions, not reading them to yourself--to hearing Bertie himself, I swear. Their reader of the unabridged Lord of the Rings trilogy gives Tolkien and Shakespeare readings for a living; he actually sings all the hobbits', elves', and Ents' songs, to tunes that are most appropriate for the species and the mood of the song. It's an amazing performance. Thrifty as I am, I actually bought these (on tape) for our family. (I bought this and this too.)

Another gem that is better listened to than read is John Cleese's reading of The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. He interprets the devils' letters with all of the comedy and gravity that I believe Lewis intended. It may be hard to get--it's out of print and my library doesn't have it, but they are always able to borrow it through interlibrary loan. (I finally bought it too, secondhand.)

In general, I like to listen to mysteries, classics and popular books that I would never have time to sit down and read. I've listened to the Ellis Peters' Brother Cadfael mysteries this way, as well as Dick Francis' mysteries--they're always tied to horse racing in some way--and though I haven't been horse-crazy since elementary school, I still enjoy a good recorded horse story, like Seabiscuit or the lesser-known, almost-as-good Native Dancer. Another mystery series I've enjoyed in the past, partly because Recorded Books, Inc, recorded them and because my library has lots of them, is The Cat Who... series. They're light and entertaining. (They've been declining in quality recently, though--look for the older ones.)

Finally, don't forget about the children's recorded book section. The kids and I used to listen to lots of children's classics this way. Now the teenagers usually nix this idea in favor of music, but I still haunt that section in the library. I listen to children's books to revisit old friends, to decide whether I want to assign a book to my kids for school, or just to read what they're reading. I've enjoyed all the Harry Potter books this way, and they would always let me put those on in the car!

I'm currently listening to A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (on CD, in the kitchen) and Bill Brysons's A Walk in the Woods (on tape, in the van). The former is one of those classics I never got around to reading--it is wonderful, by the way--and the latter is an example of a book I'd never give that much time to, if I were reading it with my own eyes--but it's been enjoyable while I've been running errands.

I've had A Tree Grows for nearly 8 weeks now and have one CD to go, so you see that I'm grabbing minutes here and there, not hours on end. But this practice has enriched my life, one moment at a time--one book at a time!

What Do Large Families Drive?

Okay, family and friends who think WE drive a large vehicle...

Check out this family's 1997 stretch Suburban limo! They got it after it was retired from airport shuttle duty at 200k miles. It has 8 doors, one on each side of the four rows of 3-passenger bench seats, and a huge cargo area in the back. It's around 26' long and takes up two consecutive parking spaces! They only drive it on occasions when they need room for others, as their family of seven can normally fit in a Sienna minivan.

This bad boy makes our white 2003 Chevy Express 15-passenger van look...short. And kinda... humble. She might have to tiptoe out of the way in embarassment, if they ever met up!

Yes, she's a she. Her name is Minnie--pun intended. Our '94 Plymouth Grand Voyager is a boy, named Vinnie--Vinnie the (mini)van--get it? I mostly drive Vinnie, and we only take Minnie when our whole family is going somewhere together. Papa Rooster drives a '98 Ford Taurus Wagon, which, in a pinch, can hold us all, since it has 8 seatbelts (2 benches and a two-seater bucket in back). The Taurus never really got a name that stuck though.

For the whole thread on what big families drive, visit Danielle Bean.)

Monday Meanderings

It's an unusual Monday morning today--I'm letting everyone sleep in, and the baby, God bless him, is joining the crowd! I actually made coffee and read my Lenten devotional without any little companions; I even cleared everything off the "catchall" desk in my bedroom so I'd have a nice place to sit down with my coffee. I'll admit--it all went into a laundry basket on the floor, but at least I could dust off my desk and, for the first time in weeks, my laptop is now in contact with the desk surface instead of being precariously balanced on top of a pile of books and papers.

I don't think we're doing school today. We had a whirlwind weekend with the final two performances, the unofficial "Cast Party," and the official "Strike Party" all in a 48 hour period. My mom was here for it all, and while babysitting during the first performance, she scrubbed the sink, the stove, the cluttered area behind the espresso maker, my children, and the shower shelves. She attended the second performance, on Saturday afternoon, and went out to dinner with my in-laws and some of their friends while we struck the set and attended the Cast Party. (Isn't that cool? My parents and Papa Rooster's parents have become good friends since our marriage. They've even spent a week at each other's houses. Before my in-laws moved to our area, they lived near New York City, so my parents got to do NYC with the natives!)

The Cast Party included, this time, a sleepover for the girls--and we let Blondechick 13 go on her first ever sleepover. We've had a "no sleepover" policy for years, which has been hard for her to accept. Since my husband is clergy, and because we both used to be very involved in healing ministry, we've just heard too many stories--the kind you don't want to hear and can hardly believe, yet here is the victim, years later, telling you how he or she is still dealing with the effects of the sin of that best friend's uncle or older brother. Our policy has also saved us endless weekends of driving kids all over the county and dealing with overtired kids, headed off many discussions of why you can stay overnight there but not there, and also given us a great excuse when our kids have been invited to stay overnight with total strangers (as our kids who have spent any time in public school have been). To all this, we just say, "Sorry--we don't do sleepovers."

Blondechick has too-verbally opposed this decision, however, and last August we stated that if, in acceptance of our rule, she would not mention the s-word ("sleepover") until she had completed 7th grade this June, we would consider loosening our policy after that. She's been good about it, and this seemed like a worthy exception. It turned out to be a great time, as some of the older girls led the group in a time of worship and sharing what God is doing in their lives--more like a Christian retreat than any of us expected. So it was not just silliness, although there was plenty of that and not much sleeping, of course! She says she's glad that her first sleepover was such a special time.

So naturally I'm letting her--and everyone else--sleep in. But Bitty Bantam and Chicklet are now awake. Naturally.

[Six hours later]

Just wanted to add that the Strike Party, too, was a great time of praising the Lord and recognizing all the hard work the parents put in on the play. Best Actor and Actress and many other awards were given out to the kids, including the award for most Christlike (the only award the kids vote on, which went to one of the girls who led the worship at the sleepover). It was great to see the kids cheering just as enthusiastically for their parents as they did for each other! One of the things this organization does so well is foster a spirit of encouragement and appreciation.

So today, we've been straightening up the mess created by rushing out and running back in and dropping everything and scrambling to run back out again...AND working on Bantam 10.75's audition for the next show--which is Friday night! Yeah, there just isn't time for a break, if the spring play is to finish up before school is out and all the kids go eighty different directions for the summer. We should be working on Blondechick 13's too, but she's in bed with the flu--the same achy thing our homeschooling partners are sick with. The girls were all at the sleepover together of course...so I wonder how many other girls are too sick today to go to school or work on their auditions. We're just praying that Bantam 10.75 can stay well--or get over it before Friday.

I've been thinking I should cook a nicer dinner, for the first time since Dress Rehearsals, except that I'd rather spend the time furthering my cleaning efforts--(or distracting myself by writing this). But Papa Rooster just called and said since he has to write a sermon for Sunday, he'd like to get our Date Night out of the way by doing it tonight, so he can concentrate on sermon prep for the rest of the week.

Okay, my paraphrase--he was more tactful, and since that idea fits so beautifully with my lack of interest in cooking tonight, I don't mind in the least. Plus I love connecting with my husband without 6 kids around to interrupt every few sentences! We used to try to go out alone together every week or two, and we completely stopped when he lost his job for six months. We're still on the austerity plan, but we are barely seeing each other these days, between his long days with an hour commute each way, and me being out with the kids all these nights with the play.
I dreamed the other night that I was expecting, but I wasn't sure it was his baby! I couldn't think of anyone else's it could be, however. Phew. So my emotional landscape is healthy...just missing my other half, I think.

His new job is going very well, by the way--he likes the people and the work--and last week in Las Vegas he gave a presentation that everyone was raving about. He's such a good speaker. The only downside is that he is gone sooooo much, without much likelihood of that changing any time soon.

But he's home now!

God's the Dude

This morning I reminded the kids that this week Lent begins on Ash Wednesday, and they were talking about how they like getting the cross on their forehead. "I don't like thinking that someday I'll be dust, though," Material Girl Blondechick 13 said.

I explained that it's important for us to realize how small we are and how short our lives on earth are, and how big and eternal God is.

"I get it!" Bantam 10.75 said, "It's like, we're the ants, and God is the dude!"

This morning we each made a list of our sins and bad habits. We'll keep adding to it until tomorrow night, when we'll burn our lists in the fireplace. I wrote Bantam 7's list for him, with Bantam 10.75 helpfully jogging his memory with things he was putting on his own list. They seemed relieved to confess that they sometimes sneak candy or intentionally make their little sister cry or lie about Lego claims (after multiple trades, ownership gets fuzzy).

Besides giving up sugar as a family fast, we talked about changes we could make during Lent that might help us break bad patterns and make better choices. The three older boys agreed that since Legos often distract them from their chores or from going to bed when sent, they will put them away for Lent. Blondechick plans to listen to more worship music and go to bed earlier so she can have a quiet time before lights out, which she will observe at the specified time.

I am planning to go to bed earlier, get up before the kids for my quiet time, and read to Bantams 7 and 10.75 every day before they start their other schoolwork. Also, I told them that I will do my chores when they are doing theirs, as much as possible, instead of using that as my computer time. Papa Rooster is making a number of dietary changes and committing himself to prayer and seeking God's balance between family, ministry and his demanding new job.

We agreed that during Lent, everyone will do their chores before breakfast (something they're always giving me grief about--they're always "too starving" to do chores first). After breakfast we'll do Morning Prayer together or at least the Daily Office Scripture readings for the day, even if we're getting off to a late start.

Tomorrow I'll help each one decide on a virtue or character trait they want to grow in, and we'll find a Scripture verse for them to memorize that will help them focus on that quality. I've already picked mine: love and patience. I'm re-memorizing the 13th chapter of 1 Corinthians.

Lord have mercy upon us!

Organization

Today I stumbled across some posts by other moms of large families. They were all blogging about organization, and the urge to contribute my $.02 is overwhelming. So here goes!

People always assume that homeschooling moms of big families are super-organized, and generally, they're right. You kinda have to find ways of coping with the chaos. My experience is that you try something and it works pretty well for awhile, until something changes--your kids get a little older, the schedule changes--and you have to adjust. Each time you tweak or overhaul your systems, you get the chance to make some improvements. So you end up looking pretty organized...but it's always in a state of flux. Accepting that reality is half the battle!

Others had some great ideas about kitchen and mudroom organization. I thought I'd contribute something about the dreaded t-word--shhhhh--toys. (They'll rule the world if we aren't careful!) One of the best weapons in our fight to keep the toys at bay has been the attic. When we do a clean-and-purge, I give the kids the option to put toys-they-don't really-play-with-anymore-but-can't-bear-to-part-with into the attic. There they sit for a year or two until, for 90%, the sentimental attraction fades and we can donate it to the local charity resale shop. Or, we're keeping it in good condition for a younger sibling (we have been known to raid the attic at Christmas or birthday time) for whom it will be like a brand-new item!

One of the biggest toy storage issues I know of for families with boys is what to do with all the LEGOS. We've found that there are deep, long, underbed storage boxes (you can raise your bed a few inches, if necessary, on those cones made for the purpose) that will hold Lego "creations" nicely. The shallower ones hold the loose ones nicely, but the deeper ones are great for storing assembled models (we have both, since we didn't want to elevate two beds). Our boys also found that if they store models in Zip-loc bags, they keep the pieces together even if the model falls apart. Those underbed boxes are great for Playmobil and Barbies too. Another benefit of using the boxes is that there isn't room anymore for them to use the clean-by-shoving-everything-under-the-bed routine!

We also like the long underbed boxes for "weapons"--guns, swords, light sabers, etc. We used to store weapons in the dress-up box, but we discovered that a separate box for the armory cut way down on the number of dress-up items strewn around in pursuit of that special pistol way down in the bottom of the dress-up box.

For general toy clean-up, the best thing we've done is to institute "zones." Each kid over 4 is responsible for a room or stairway. Even if your pesky little brother is the one who dumped out all the Duplos, if it's in your zone, you pick it up. If it's your big brother's stuff, you call him to come get it, or you just dump it in his zone. We rotate zones periodically, but generally the "hardest" zone goes to the oldest and the smallest or "easiest" area goes to the youngest. The 3 yr old works with her big sister (in theory!).

I'll leave you with this encouraging word on why you should hang in there and teach your kids to work, even though for years it seems like more hassle than it's worth. It does pay off...and I KNOW that someday they will thank me. (Thank you, Mom & Dad!)